There are 45 minutes left to my shift and it’s been a busy night. After I had time to calm down and sleep yesterday, I felt fine. I don’t know why I had the reaction that I had. I felt very small and childish. Sometimes I think too hard about what I am feeling and looking for the origin instead of just allowing myself to feel what I am feeling. I spent years numbing all of my feelings so when I started recovery I had to begin to identify my feelings. I usually felt “good” or “bad” but couldn’t identify them.
Tonight I am very sore physically. My back, hips, neck, shoulders and sides are very sore for some reason. I feel very stiff. I think it is because my power is changing. When a person has been of a certain mindset and it changes, the body reacts and adapts to it. As my body adapts to it I become tired and sore.
I am also rereading one of the best books I have ever read. I am a Buddhist and one of the things I always focus on is the fact the there should be no attachments. The two things that cause harm and pain are attachment and aversion. For a very long time I saw no attachments as meaning I was to be aloof. This is not the case. Nonattachment to self and your views is something different than detachment. It means not trying to force yourself to be one single, solid, unchangeable thing forever. In terms of people, you have a relationship to them but it is important not to be too attached to the form a relationship may have had in the past. But it is also important to make that relationship the best it can be right now. Wow!!! What enlightenment for me.
So what am I feeling right now? Right now I am smiling because it is 5:23 in the morning and my most favorite person in the world just IM’d me and it put a smile on my face. There are butterflies in my stomach. I am also feeling pretty content and satisfied that I am searching and growing. I am also confident in my ability because I have someone strong and powerful guiding me.
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