It has been a long and emotional weekend and I feel the need to put my thoughts down in black and white. I was very upset a few weeks ago when I found out that my 15 year old daughter was pregnant and not only is she pregnant, but it was intentional. I thought about the hardship I will face and the difficulty she has placed on herself. Since her pregnancy we have grown closer and I am beginning to see her as her own person with her own personality. She is really growing up and blossoming. It also made me realize how important family is. Family is not something I have ever placed value in. I talk about all of the family who turned their backs on me and not having family, but I fail to mention the family I have turned my back on. I have four children and have only raised one. I love all of them differently. My son is my heart and I have many regrets. My 15 year old is my biggest frustration, but I love her dearly. We are exactly alike and that scares me. My nine year old is my most intelligent and also the most judgemental. She has a big heart, but has this unrealistic sense of right and wrong. I feel inadequate when I am around her. My five year old has such a bright spirit and I am afraid her father will dim that spirit and try to break her. I want to be a good mother and a nurturer, but I am not sure how. I want to parent as I see fit and not have her father and grandmother tell me how. I want to feel good enough. I also feel selfish and self-centered. I don’t know how to just stay at home and be present with my children when they come to visit. I want to see people, have people over, go places and don’t want the interruption. I know that sounds awful, but it is my truth. I have always done better when I am dating someone and the weekend seems like a traditional family think. Like two of us taking the kids to the zoo or movies. When I am single and alone, my children suffer.
I only want to be loved and accepted. I want that happily ever after. I want Love. I know I will not find these things in my lifetime. I rebel against conformity. Since I am not capable of conforming, my objective is to stand out. I know this is not making any sense, but they are my thoughts. I seek attention and affection and trust no one. I don’t want to be hurt, but I want to be close to someone without taking a risk. When I find someone who wants to give me everything I want so easily, I lose respect. I am looking for the perfect person and the perfect relationship. My daughter told me this weekend that I am not relationship material. That I can get a million, but cannot sustain one. I seem happier not being in one, but seem to be constantly searching for one. Once I get it, I don’t want it anymore. I will find something wrong with every single person in my life. I don’t know why I do that.
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