It is the beginning of a new year and I have been doing much reflecting. I have struggled with a lot of things this past year and have been seeking my truth so that I may honor it. I have done a lot of soul searching to find out who I really am. When I began this journey six years ago, I had to start with finding out who I was not and taking a look at what was left.
I think often times people confuse who they would like to be with you they actually are. I put on so many masks to present to the world. I wanted people to see me a certain way. I spent many years working on the outside of me. If people saw someone well polished and put together on the outside, they would never look deeper and find out what a piece of shit I really was on the inside.
Since I was a child I learned not to trust. I fought for self-sufficiency. I didn’t know that self-sufficiency was a lie. I learned that I could depend on no one and the only thing that I was good for was to allow men the use of my body. Eventually, I learned to please a man quickly because that meant the pain would end. I built a wall around myself. I don’t know if it was to keep people out or to see if anyone cared enough to get past it. So far, no one has. I fear being hurt. I fear putting my feelings out there and being rejected. I have always had the belief that it is better not to care about anyone or get close to anyone than to be hurt.
What I am thinking about lately is the fact that, although, I have not experienced deep hurt in quite some time, I have not experienced real joy either. I have children and I even keep them at a distance emotionally and physically. I never saw them as people, but merely extensions of myself.
I want to feel joy, intensity, love, passion, trust, affection and hope. I don’t like the unknown. I don’t want people to take advantage of my kindness or laugh at me. More importantly, I don’t want to be rejected. I am feeling hope today, but also a lot of fear. I don’t want to have feelings for anyone and then be left alone.
I want freedom, but what I really need is freedom from myself. I don’t know how to achieve that. Is following some directions given by another my path to freedom? I want to submit mind, body and soul. I want to belong to something bigger than myself. I am afraid that I am not capable.
Before you ask me your favorite question I thought I would journal how I feel. I feel angry and no, I don’t know why. I feel almost petulant. I feel very much like a little girl right now and that is not a good feeling. I have tears in my eyes. I don’t know why so please don’t ask. I feel very raw and vulnerable. I even feel like a fool. I feel powerless and weak.
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