December 22, 2012

    I went to two celebrations today in NA. One was for nine years clean and the other for 10. It was a wonderful feeling to see that the program works and that people have changed their lives and found a new way to live. Tonight I got a little tearful. It is customary when we celebrate clean time that our families or someone special is there to show their support and give us our medallion. I burnt a lot of bridges in active addiction and many of those bridges I have not been able to repair.  It was somewhat of a lonely feeling tonight and a reminder of how I chose to live my life for so long. I have to recognize that the very people I want there are not there because at some point, I turned my back on them. I think that is one appeal of a poly family…to have my own family.

   I thought of calling a sub tonight to spend time with but that felt empty. Sometimes I just want someone who accepts me and loves me for me to come home to. I want to be part of something bigger than myself. I could call someone and have company here within the hour. I might even have decent sex and someone to ease that lonely feeling for a short time. But in the end, I end up feeling lonelier than before.

  

   There are many times I wish I were someone other than who I am. I wish I had been born or raised normal and that I could be content with what I have been blessed with instead of focusing on what I don’t have. It is the Saturday before Christmas and I could be the type of mom sitting here wrapping presents and baking cookies with my children while we listen to Christmas music. That is not my truth. That is not who I am. I am not the mothering, nurturing type. I long to be, but even when I do manage to do these things, I feel like a fraud.

    The holidays have always been difficult for me. I feel alone but it is because I emotionally detach from people. I am alone due to my own decisions and actions, but it still doesn’t feel good. I am tired of thinking, planning and being a prisoner of my own mind. I long for someone else to lead me and all I have to do is follow directions. Someone else could surely lead my life better than I am capable.