My fears are all self-centered, self-obsessed in nature. I fear never being free. I fear financial insecurity. I remember when I was young, we were so poor that my mother’s boyfriend made us pancakes every night. He would cover them in syrup because it was filling. To this day, I don’t eat syrup. I fear being financially dependent on a man. I actually fear being dependent on anyone for any reason. I always want to be unique and stand out in the crowd. I am the only woman in a room of men, or the only white person in a room of blacks, or the only straight person in a room of lesbians, or vice versa. I want to be the only Buddhist in a church of Christians. I am the one who says what I think regardless of who is around or where I am. I am a woman, but far from a lady. I rebel against conformity, but all I want is acceptance. I rebel against organized religion, but I am a Buddhist with a belief in God. I love Buddhism because I value compassion, yet I continually want to inflict harm. I fear something happening to my children, but only because it would reflect badly on me as a mother. My fear is that I will never be free of this self-made prison. I will never be whole. I fear that I am sick and losing my mind. I fear I will never experience the very normalcy I rebel against. I will never find love or be able to give it. I fear being alone. I have cannot receive pleasure. I don’t know how. I also don’t allow it. When a man tries to please me I take control. I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable in front of a man. Being at the peak of orgasm is when you are most vulnerable. I have never orgasmed from normal sex. If it doesn’t involve me being in control or my fantasies, I can’t get off. I want to be able to experience vanilla sex and enjoy it. I want to allow sex to be an expression of some other feeling than rage. I am insecure and needy.
I desire many things….my education, my health, my spirituality. I desire to grow. I desire personal freedom. I desire financial security and I desire intimacy. True intimacy. I want to be able to live in the present, let go of the past and stop letting it predict my future. I want to know who I am. I want to know my worth. I want to believe that my worth does not lie in the apex of my thighs, or what I can do for someone. I want people to realize that just by being, I am worthy. I am an incredible woman. I want self-sufficiency. I want to feel whole. I want to be independent. I want to be able to sit back once in a while and let someone take care of me. I want to be able to let someone inside of my head like I am doing with you right now. I want to be accepted instead of people trying to “fix” me. I am crying as I write this and I don’t know why. I want to have someone stronger than me. I need to have someone who knows me better than I know myself. Someone who can push me, but knows when to back off. I need someone who can temper pleasure with pain, physical and mental. If I am more dominant than a man I will take advantage and will instantly lose respect. I will see them as weak and I know this is not reality, but it is the way my mind works. I do not give respect, nor am I submissive unless it is demanded of me. I like to clearly know my role in any given relationship. I want reassurance.
I lust after big, strong black men. I have a thing for dominant black men. They make me feel safe. I grew up not feeling safe and now safety is of paramount importance. I surround myself with felons, because I am safer with them. Some would lay down their life for me. I get off on the feeling of power and control. I demand loyalty and respect at all times. I will con and manipulate to get it. I lust after soft, curvy, naïve white women whom I can dominate and control. My rape fantasies go both ways. I am the victim and I am the aggressor. There is sexual power even in being submissive. I love romance, I love being spontaneous. I love a night out or a night in on the couch watching movies. I love gentleness but I have more respect for dominance. I get off on fear, but respect the fearless. I want someone to love me and cherish me and take care of me and adore me. I want someone to CHOOSE me
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